Day 26 - Remembering Taylor

There is no time like 1:30 am, when you’ve woken up to go pee to realize that you totally messed up by volunteering to change your schedule on a day when you already had plans. There is really not much you can do about it until the morning so it just sort of eats you up and twists up your stomach for a while. The good news is that this is my first serious round of insomnia in a while.

So, while lying there I started thinking about where I was two years ago. This next week in 2009 was a time of joy and a time of loss. There was so much to be grateful for. I am going to take a stab at a little slice of this today.

Two years ago I was huge. There was a little girl inside of me that I had only seen through an ultra sound. I didn’t know much about her other than she didn’t seem to keep a regular sleep schedule and that she was a mover and a shaker! My due date was December 17th and I was hoping to be on time if not a few days early. I was ready for her to get out of my belly!

On the 16th my mom had taken our family dog to the groomers to get a bath and a nice trim before the Christmas. But something happened there and when she brought Taylor home, she couldn’t walk. My mom spent the rest of the night trying to help her but, was pretty sure that Taylor would not recover. So, on the morning of the 17th, my brother, his wife, my Mom, my Grandma, and I all spent our last few hours with our faithful companion before having her put to sleep. A sad day.

Taylor was a gift to me from my brother, Ted, on my 19th birthday (August 13, 1994 for those of you keeping track). I was working at Miller’s Outpost in Manchester Mall back when it was a cool place to work. And so, standing there in my jeans, tucked in shirt, and belt that undoubtedly matched my shoes, I saw my brother and his girlfriend walk in through the door carrying a paper sack. As he placed the sack on the glass top of a rounder of Anchor Blue clothes I could see that it was moving. Inside was this amazingly cute furball of a puppy! She was so tiny! I really, really liked her instantly and I took my 10 minute break to hang out with them. One of the hardest things to do is to go back to work knowing that there is a freaking adorable puppy at your house waiting to play with you. Time went by very slowly that day.

If memory serves I think we might have had a night at home without my mom. Little did I know that my mom wasn’t exactly “in the loop” on the “og-day ituation-say”. In fact, she claims that Ted asked her and she said that we could NOT have a dog. He remembers that she said that they would “talk about it”. Either way, he may have ignored her and poof – we had a dog. My mom came home from work the next day to find an empty house, which she expected, with a tiny puppy, which she did not expect, peeking out to greet her. I laugh when I imagine this happening!

Taylor ended up breaking two major Cindy Barnard rules. We were taught from an early age to never get a female dog. This is going to sound sad but we actually had to take a dog back to the Long’s Drugstore parking lot where people had been giving away puppies because the people lied to us and said it was a boy when it was actually a girl. There were no boys left so we went without a dog for awhile. And then there was Baby but, that’s another story. Anyway, we had a girl dog but, there were never any puppies as we followed Bob Barker’s instructions and had her fixed!

Taylor spent the summer of 1995 swimming. She was reluctant at first but, we lured her in the pool with weenies. By then end of her first summer she was a swimming fool. Taylor’s favorite thing to do in the whole wide world was go swimming. I mean she LOVED it. Unfortunately, she loved it so much and ran around the pool so often that she actually ran the pads off of her feet. She was sort of insane too because she absolutely would not jump in the pool unless someone had thrown a ball for her. So she would bark or cry at you until you did; that part was sort of annoying. Then she would run around the pool multiple times to make sure she jumped from the best angle. Overall, my best times with Taylor were spent in the pool. Somehow we figured it out so that I would jump in the pool and throw the ball at the same time. Then I would hang out underwater at the bottom until I heard her splash in. Then, she would circle at the top with ball in mouth waiting for me to come up. Once I came up from the water, the race was on! She was a great swimmer.

The second Cindy Barnard rule that Taylor broke was that she ended up becoming an inside dog. When I left in January of 1996 to do a semester in London, Taylor was an outside dog. I mean, she would come in and hang out with us but when we were not home she was outside. She slept outside. But, my mom bought a new house while I was gone and there was no landscaping in the backyard. Things were always muddy out there so my mom ended up breaking her own rule and let Taylor become an inside dog. We were all happy with this decision.

For the most part, Taylor was to be trusted as an inside dog alone in the house. Yes, she chewed the cover off of Ted’s autographed Angels baseball. Yes, she would dig into the bathroom trash and pull out used feminine hygiene products. Yes, she would lay on the couch when she thought that no one was home. But, Taylor was such a loving dog that it sort of made up for the shenanigans. At the same time she was sort of fierce and I always felt safe with her. Standing at about 20 inches toes to ear tips and weighing about 40 or 50 pounds, she guarded the house with all her might! When that doorbell rang – lookout! She would go crazy. Even if she could see that she knew you and even if she heard your voice. Talk about a Pavlovian response! Lookout pizza man!

When my Grandma moved in with my mom, Taylor came to know even more creature comforts. My grandma would seriously buy Taylor her own nuggets when she went to a fast food restaurant. Of course, Gram would call Taylor a “he” when she really was a “she” and nearly got us to do the same but, in the end the two of them spent a lot of time together and became close.

Taylor was not injury prone but she did have a couple of issues. She was bit by a spider above the eye and spent a few days looking like Rocky Balboa. In her old age another dog took a chunk out of her back. But, she recovered from both and even seemed to more energetic when she would recover.

We believe Taylor to have been a lesbian which is fine. We are a progressive family. She hated bicycles, skateboards, the vacuum cleaner, singing through wrapping paper rolls, the Jaws theme on the guitar, UPS men, and anybody working at a drive through. She loved swimming, chasing balls, chasing me around the couch, French kissing Utah, having her belly rubbed, and lox and bagels.

It was sad that Merrill never got to play with her because she loves dogs. I worried that my sadness on that day would somehow transmit to Merrill in-utero. If it did, you couldn’t tell. She was a pretty content baby.

There is so much more I could say about Taylor and her funny ways and sometimes neurotic behaviors. She was a such sweetie. A short legged, perky eared, big brown-eyed, stout little sweetie.

Day 25 - Letting Go of What Cannot or Should Not Be

Today I started thinking about things that I will never do.
When you are young there are so many possibilities. The choices are daunting, really. You feel like you are good, or could be good, at everything and the world becomes a dizzying place as no clear cut path is laid out before you. As you get older doors close and you come to realize that there are things you will never do. Mostly, I am fine with all the things that I did not choose to do or be in life. I am comfortable with my choice to drop out of KU and return to Fresno. I am happy that I didn't move to another city and miss meeting Mark. I like the life that I have. And time passes this way and one by one the possibilities drift away. You change and the things that seemed important, exciting, or fun, change too. I have come to realize that I am now a worry wart. I didn't used to be. I'm not sure I can ever be less of one than I am now.
Some things I will never do because I am too scared; some because I'm too lazy. You might argue that some are still technically "possible" and, they might be but, today I reflect on things that I have let go*. I am at peace with them.
Things I will likely never do:
Own a baseball team – I can’t imagine a scenario where this would happen. It would be cool though, and I would not be like the lady from Major League and try to move the team to Miami. Although, I might send a cardboard cutout of myself to the team. Unfortunately, I might have to make it backwards – lose a game peel a sticker off.
Win a shopping spree – A childhood dream. I can remember walking down the aisles of Toys R Us and wanting so desperately to throw everything in my cart. Who wouldn’t love a shopping spree? But, I don’t enter contests anymore so, this is really impossible.
Hike alone in the woods – I love the idea of the peace and solitude that a solo hike would provide but, I am such a scardy cat. What if a bear attacked me? I would be so worried and panicked the entire time that I wouldn’t enjoy my hike.
Skydive – Bungee jumping totally ruined this for me. Now I know how fast you really fall and, while it was certainly adrenaline-inducing, I don’t know that I would enjoy that feeling for an extended period of time. Plus, I’m a mom now and it seems less than ideal to jump out of a plane.
Write a novel – I have neither the skill nor the patience for this but it would be fun anyway.
Direct a movie – Not happenin’. Bummer. This was my big plan when I dropped out of school. Then we got two dogs that needed a yard and decided to stay in town.
Be in a musical – My particular wish was to play Rizzo in Grease but I would take any role really. I think it would be fun to sing and act on stage. I like to think that if I get brave in my old age I could go try for Roger Rocka’s but, I really don’t see me following through with this.
Go deep sea fishing – Again, there is potential here but I am so worried about getting seasick that I am just not sure I can bring myself to do it.
Drink whiskey – I would like to be a girl that is cool and tough and can drink a man’s drink. I’m not. I never will be.
Get a tattoo – I think I missed the window on this one. At 36 there is no statement that I would want to make with a tattoo on my body. I wouldn’t mind some little symbol or something but the only way I could see this happening is if the next thing comes true.
Look like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. Bad ass. – Then I could get a tattoo and freaking go hiking by myself because I could kick a bear’s ass. And I would carry a gun and know how to use it. In fact, this one might be the key to all of the others.
Be a contestant a game show – I would really take any game show at this point. I just want to go on one. But, Wheel of Fortune won’t have me and I’m only smart enough for Teen Jeopardy.
Have a cool accent - It's a jolly oliday with you butt. You know what I mean?
Smoke using a cigarette holder - But, smoking is dangerous and certainly unbecoming no matter how neat the holder looks.
Know the difference between an outfit looking funky or looking stupid – I have never had the ability to distinguish between these two things. I pick a funky sweater and it just looks like a grandma sweater.
Let my hair grow down to my butt (or beyond) – Inspired at an early age by Crystal Gayle, I just think this would be neat. I would feel like Rapunzel.
Swim in an official competition with goggles and a cap – I was always too chicken to sign up for swimming in High School and I have regretted it ever since. You can’t go back in time and change things.
Surf – 1. I am now afraid of Riptides. 2. I am afraid of sharks. 3. I don’t have very good balance. But again, if I looked like Sarah Connor…
Travel with a band – Not as a groupie. Not about sex. I just want to hit the road and follow a band for a summer because it sounds cool. At this point I would either pick The Avett Brothers, Ryan Adams, Greg Brown, or maybe the Dave Matthews Band but, I am sort of getting over them.
Drop out and live on a beach in Mexico – This sounds like a better idea than it actually is, I’m sure.
Find me a cool rider – Well, I won’t be finding any more men and I absolutely wouldn’t want my husband to start riding a motorcycle because they are super dangerous but, it’s sort of a remnant of a dream from teenage years; a result of watching too much Grease 2.
Participating in the World Poker Tour –Because it’s not that complicated of a game and because I think the announcers could give me a cool nickname and persona.
Hitting a home run – God, that must feel nice!
Being able to wear anything in public without a bra and have it look sexy not ugly – Long have I been jealous of girls who can do this. Blah. This is not a weight thing so I’m not sure going full out GI Jane would help me on this one. Only a boob job would fix this and I am not sure if I actually had ten grand that I would spend it on this.
Things I am still holding out hope for:
Ride a horse on the beach – I should be able to do this. Again, a remnant of a childhood dream. Not sure what movie I saw this in but it seems like I have wanted to do this for as long as I can remember.
Write a hit song, or at least a song that gets recorded – This might require me actually sitting down with the guitar or at the piano on a regular basis. Right now I can’t seem to make the time for it.
Wearing my bathing suit in public and not being totally mortified – Potential New Year’s resolution? I would love to take the kids to a water park.


* This is not a bucket list

Day 24 - My Momma

How do I adequately express gratitude for my mom? I am so grateful for her but, to suppose that my words, my little blog, could even begin to encompass what I feel – the notion is ridiculous. I can’t imagine that I will do her justice but, since I sort of need to finish what I started, I am going to try.

So, here are a few things to love and admire about my mom.

She does. Yes, she does. Does what, you may wonder? Whatever she decides. When my mom knows that something should be done, she does it. There are few things that stand in her way. The obstacles that you or I see in front of us seem like child’s play to her. It’s not that the obstacles aren’t really there, it’s just that somehow, with her in charge, they seem to get out of the way. When she’s on a mission that’s what happens.

We moved about once a year when I was a kid. And when my mom would decide that it was time to move she would spend precisely one day looking for a new house or apartment. Boom. Done. And we moved. She does quickly. She does well. This is why she is amazing at her job no matter what her job is!

My mother is strong. And because her strength has been born within me and because she has nurtured that strength within me my whole life, I forget that in reality it is exactly that - her strength. I forget that it is a strength that has its origin outside of me because I use it constantly - every day I live.

My mother radiates energy for those around her. If you know my mother at all you know that there is not a single doubt that if you needed her she would be there. Upon making a connection with my mom you are bound to her – in a good way. She does not know selfishness. It’s amazing and strange but she really doesn’t. She only knows giving. She is just like the Giving Tree… “Take my branches to make a house.” And at the end, when all seems gone except the stump, the tree offers what she can which is still completely what is needed. She never quits giving. And I don’t mean material things, although she gives those too. I mean she gives of herself. What she has, the light, the strength, the knowledge, the intuition, all of those things are yours and mine because she does not hide them. She showers them upon us all!

Anyway, I don’t really know if I’m done or how to wrap this up but I am just beyond fortunate to have been born the daughter of Cindy Barnard. Her love has guided me through my life so far and I count on it to be there for me, always. So thank you Mom. You are amazing.

Day 23 - Sunburn!

Do you know how long it has been since I've had a sunburn? Consider for a moment that a sunburn involves brazenly being outside with little to no care for the heat or the sun's rays and no precaution to avoid such a thing. Being a somewhat responsible mother of two children, this never really happens but, on Wednesday, I got sunburned - lightly - but, sunburned nonetheless!

I had about five hours of free time between getting home from visiting Jack and Merrill at Hume Lake with my mom and a 7:45 pm doctors appointment. Paula was in town and asked me to come swimming at Aunt Itsy's house. I thought this was a fabulous idea and so, I headed over. As we sat by the pool, (previously called "laying out", an activity that used to happen frequently but hasn't happened at all since I turned 28) I began to relax in the peace of having to worry about almost nothing. There were no children to keep from drowning, no diapers that needed changing, nobody to tell, "That's enough TV" to, nobody to worry about picking up from this or that grandparent's house, and nobody waiting for me to come home and clean for or make dinner for. For a few hours I had no responsibility or obligation. Now, I'm not saying that I am sorry that I have any of those things but I seriously could have stayed that way for at least three days.

We swam in the pool which was an oh-so-perfect of a temperature. We had a couple of ciders, ate string cheese, and polished off a GIANT bowl full of grapes. We even got to play our ipad shuffle game. It's sort of like Name That Tune with ipods or ipads. You have to play with someone whose musical taste somewhat overlaps with yours and, even then, it can be a challenge! She skips her Pete Yorn and I skip my Greg Brown, Ryan Adams, and The Avett Brothers. Anytime she says, "this was kind of popular", I am unlikely to get it!

Anyway, it was a lovely day. My doctor's appointment went really well! Mark was there with me just in case! And when I got home at night I noticed my lovely sunburn. It has faded now but I am so glad I got to spend the day with my best friend! I am hoping that the child-free swim day becomes an annual tradition!

Nurse Mama

July 24, 2011

Day twenty-something: Grateful that I was off today so that I could take care of my sweet boy. I would normally be working on a Sunday. Fever of 103 is down for now but we'll be checking in on him while he sleeps.

Day 21 - New Clothes

Scene 1 - Get Over It!
I know, I know, this blog is supposed to be all deep and spiritual where I express gratitude for the really meaningful yet free things in my life. Tough noogies. Today you are reading about a totally materialistic weakness of mine - new clothes.

Scene 2 - How to Stay Frumpy Without Really Trying
A couple of nights ago I went out with a friend to have a few drinks and watch King Sugar (whoo hoo Matt Wall) at Eureka Burger (and whooo hoo my Mom for watching the kids and whoo hoo to Jennifer and Mark for being my drivers!). Anyway, to those of you who saw me that night my outfit was nothing that special and you probably really believed that I had given absolutely no thought to what I was wearing; you would be wrong. I had finally broken down and bought some cargo shorts at Costco that were one size up from what I normally wear. I was happy with the shorts as much of what I wear these days has come from Costco. But the real kicker is that when I had to pick out a top from the selection of "ehh" that is my wardrobe of what currently fits me, I went with my favorite maternity top. That's right folks, 19 months after squeezing that baby girl out I am still wearing maternity tops! What? Now, that one in particular is my favorite but you should know that many of my t-shirts are still maternity wear. Frankly, my pre-baby clothes are way too tight so right now I am relegated to stuff I bought while I was pregnant, hand-me-downs from my sister-in-law, and a smattering of a few tops that I bought last year that I like but can't wear all the time!

Additionally the dress code at Cost Plus is good (solid black, white, grey, or blue tops, and khaki pants or blue jeans) but, it has made it easy to stay frumpy. I work hard so I need to wear clothes I can bend and stretch in. I am on my feet all day so I either need to wear tennis shoes or Easy Spirits. Yes, old grandma Easy Spirits. If you see me on a work day I am more than likely in a black t-shirt and jeans. Or, if I'm mixing it up, I'm in a grey shirt and jeans or a black shirt and khaki's. Needless to say, I have not done much to spruce up the old wardrobe within the confines of my solid color dress code and spending money on clothes that I can't wear to work has just seemed silly.

Scene 2 - GRRRR!
Last week one of my "good pairs" of Ralph Lauren Costco jeans started to split on me. Luckily, I have two of the exact same pant but, they may have some sort of invisible internal clock because even on the pair that is hanging in there, one of the belt loops has broken. This weekend I checked Costco again and they had exactly one type of jeans. It was the Amanda by Gloria Vanderbilt which loosely translates to old lady jeans. Now, I know I am heavier than normal but I'm not dead so, I passed and went for the afore mentioned cargo shorts instead.

Depressed and feeling that I had very limited options, I headed to JC Penny's. After a bit of a search I found two pairs of jeans that fit well. Yes, I went up a size - GRRR! Anyway, with the whole jean situation under control, I opened my eyes to the rest of the store.

Scene 3 - Ahhhhhhh!
I realize I'm not a fashion plate - and I never was exactly - not even when I was a buyer. But, back then I had a grasp on understandable fashion. Walking around Penny's tonight I totally realized that I missed that. It is fantastic to see stuff laid out before you and to be able to understand what's happening and why. Gosh, so much stuff has been going on while I have been in a t-shirt and jeans coma! I went nuts. Well, not nuts but, I spent money like I wasn't trying to save to quit my job. Knit vests, floral tanks, embroidered tops, flyaway cardigans - I couldn't help myself. I recognize that I have been out of it! Not that a trip to Penny's cures all fashion woes and I know I'm not on the cutting edge or anything, but, it was enough to satisfy!

Scene 5 - Why It's Sort of Like Eating Chocolate Kathy Comic Strip Style
I really love how wearing new clothes makes you feel. Even though that outfit will become tomorrow's "ehhh", today it's new and exciting. Today there is nothing you would rather wear. Today you can feel pretty good about what you're wearing, even if you don't feel too good about what's underneath. Sad, right? But true. It's like eating - a quick fix for what is wrong. But, at least it's a fix which is more than I've had in a while.

I sent Mark the total in a text that began with, "I'm sorry for what I'm about to tell you ..." But, in the grand scheme of things I used to spend this much all the time - before and during every market trip - or at Gottschalks less my discount! Now I just get to buy furniture and candy and I'm sorry but it's just not as much fun!

So that's my uber-sad materialistic 4 a.m. post for you. Perhaps I should have followed my own advice when I told Jack it was too late for tea.

P.S. My birthday is coming up and gift cards would be fantastic! ;)

Day 20 - Mark Getting Called Out

I realize I have missed quite a few days - BIG DAYS where a lot of stuff happened. Sorry. Maybe I will get to play catch up sometime. But, as my mother-in-law has informed me, there is a fly lady maxim that advises - I'm not behind; just pick up where I left off.

I had a good, honest laugh today. Mark has been a closet Katy Perry fan for a little while now. This past week one of his "cool" friends decreed on Facebook or Twitter that it was OK to like Katy Perry. Now, having the blessing of someone younger and hipper, Mark decided to play a little Katy Perry for us this morning. I told him I thought he must have a crush on someone or something because there's not much reason to listen to Teenage Dream otherwise. It's certainly not the worst thing I've heard and Merrill seemed to enjoy it as Mark took her for a dancing spin around the house.

Later today we had to go get Jack's haircut. I was impressed with myself because I actually remembered to take a coupon somewhere and use it! So, with coupon in hand we headed to Supercuts. We went to the one at First and Nees because the people at Shaw and Maroa seem to be grumpy all of the time. It was fairly deserted and because we had called ahead we got right in. There was one man waiting and one more showed up while Jack's hair was being cut. The first man was not interested in us at all and seemed a little irritated, undoubtedly due to the fact that we seemed to skip past his turn. The second man was a little friendly and said hi to Merrill before beginning to play with his phone. About halfway through the haircut California Gurls comes on and Jack announces loudly, "Urgh! Katy Perry. My Dad's been listening to this all morning!"

I just about died. The two guys both looked up and the friendlier one laughed. The hairdresser laughed too and asked Jack, "You don't like Katy Perry?". His response was a definite, "No."

Anyway, I thought it was hilarious. I realize that it's not exactly the music that Mark probably likes but, it's not like he's watching the video. He must be having a little movie in his mind. And now that you know about his recent change in musical taste, you can give Mark a hard time too!

Day 19 - Another Close Call

I have been employed by Cost Plus World Market since October. In that time I have had three accidents while on the job.

The first was somewhat minor. I sprained a wrist when the weight of a dining table in a box shifted in a way that I wasn't ready for. I wore a splint for a few weeks, felt better, re-injured it, wore the splint again, and then was fine.

The second accident was much more scary. I was up waaay high on a slide ladder in the stockroom. When I fell I landed on my side, injuring my knee. I had x-rays, crutches, restricted duty, physical therapy - the whole nine yards. But the crazy part about that was that had the stockroom been in its usual packed state or had the pallet jack been scooted over say, six inches, things could have ended VERY BADLY! Very badly.

So, then my boss was fired (also long story where somehow I was the scapegoat for the whole situation which is sort of crazy), anyway, I, being insane and forgetting myself for a moment, interviewed for the job. Yes, I have 15 years of retail experience. Yes, most of that time I was managing people and millions of dollars but, apparently, this did not really matter much. I am actually fine with the end result which was not getting the job; in hindsight, being the assistant manager would have totally sucked. I was on the fence about it anyway. But the point of that story is that in lieu of a promotion I just got "additional responsibility". I was crowned the Safety Captain. I, who had both injured her wrist and fallen off of a ladder in the 4 or 5 months that I had been there, was made the Safety Captain.

As the Safety Captain, I am supposed to talk to people about each month's safety topic and have them sign off on a sheet that we send into corporate so everyone can act like we are all doing the right thing. The topics have been: stretching before work, using safe cutting techniques, and using Big Joe (the forklift thing) properly.

So, fast forward to yesterday. My bosses have been a little anal about cutting wine boxes perfectly straight and I've really been concentrating on trying to do this. But, alas, there are certain things I am good at and certain things I am not and cutting a straight line on a wine case with a safety razor blade is one of the things that I totally suck at.

Yesterday, I was in the wine department putting out a new wine and cutting the top off of the box. It was a Spanish wine and I totally forgot that Spanish wines tend to come in cheap and easy to cut boxes. I was cutting the top off the box when, it turned to butter. My knife sliced through and whoosh, it hit my left wrist. Blood came instantly. I began to freak. I thought that I was headed to the ER. What? Suicide by wine box? Maybe people have contemplated it but, that's not the way I want to go out! But, after a minute there wasn't as much blood as there initially seemed to be. So, after having washed it off and bandaging it up, I went back to work. I worried that I might have MRSA and go into a coma. I worried that half of my body might have to be chopped off like the episode of Oprah where a chef accidentally cut herself with a knife at her restaurant and ended up with half of her face missing among other things. You can imagine my relief when I actually woke up this morning to find that I was not in a coma and that no amputations were necessary.

I am totally thankful that I didn't catch my wrist just a little harder. I am grateful that there is a little extra fat on me right now that kept the blade from slicing any deeper. What a crazy insane accident that could have been so much worse.

There is a quote from the Baz Luhrman Sunscreen song that has sort of stuck with me over the years,

"What ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either -
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's"

It's not that cutting my wrist at work was necessarily a choice (insert existentialist argument here) - obviously not. But the point is, things can always go a different way. Yesterday was probably 1 millimeter away from being a hideously bad day but, it wasn't. It was a normal day and that is good.

P.S. love this song. Played it for the seniors during my student teaching at Central and they liked it too.

Day 18 - Daylight and Salad

Tonight I am thankful that it is still light outside at 7:45 pm. Summer days are the best because as long as you are off at a normal human hour you get some sunlight in your day. The days are longer and because of it you have more energy. This is not to say I was a ball of fire tonight but, I did get treated to a lovely dinner with my mom and grandma at Yukon Jack's. And now I have made it home and it is still light outside! I would seriously love it if days were this long all the time.


I am also thankful that I took the time to make a salad to take to work today. Yes, the Yukon Jack's mini pulled pork sandwiches on potato buns negated all of the good work having a salad for lunch did for me today but, it was a step in the right direction. Tonight I saw an absolutely hideous picture of myself that I may share at some point. I looked at it and thought, "Am I holding a pillow or stuffed animal on my lap?" But, alas the answer was no; it was just my big belly. Seriously? This is what my belly looks like right now? And the arms? Blah. Anyway, seeing the picture may have inspired me to get a grip! I have only gone swimming once this year which is totally unheard of for me. Anyway, hopefully I will swim some laps soon and maybe even lay out in the sun if I can steal a little time away ...

Day 17 - Tri-Tip

So, yes, I am grateful for tri-tip. And why not? It's delicious. A California specialty, it can be difficult to find in other parts of the country. I know because when we lived in Kansas there were absolutely no tri-tips at the Hy-Vee.

Mark makes the best tri-tip ever and tonight he made two of them! We ate one for dinner and plan on using the other for sandwiches this week. It was absolutely out of this world delicious. Perfectly cooked. Perfectly seasoned. We had a nice salad and brown rice to go along with it. Even Merrill took a few small bites of tri-tip!
Anyway, I am grateful for a good meal while watching the Giants game.

Day 16 - Jack and Merrill

So, right now the baby is standing here crying at me. She was asleep on the way home but the second I got out of the car Jack yelled a question at me really loudly, thereby waking her up. I am totally tired. I forgot to take my antibiotic this morning and left it at the house. It is only a twice a day one so hopefully I did not royally screw it up. My pants nearly split today at work so they are currently being held together by duct tape. I am just walking in my door at 9:30 at night after leaving at 8:30 this morning. I have to be awake with kids ready at 9 am tomorrow so that I can take the kids to the Janzen's house so that Ken can watch them tomorrow until Mark gets home from Temecula. I almost passed out at work today while I was unloading boxes because it was like a million degrees in there. Customers were needy as hell and I had two of the three rudest customers I have had the entire time I've worked at Cost Plus. So, this it the day I knew would come. The very last thing on Earth I feel like doing is blogging about how great things are.
But, they are and that's they whole point of this blog so, lets get to it.
Jack is sweet and he just gave me a big sweet hug. He will be sleeping in Mark's spot again tonight. I know he is getting to be a big boy now but when I look at him I sometimes see my beautiful little boy. The one that used to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to me. He used to play with my hair when I would tuck him in at night. That used to put us both to sleep.
Jack went to his first party on his own today. It was a swim party and now his shoulders are pink with sunburn (that should keep us warm tonight). He was beyond excited about going to this party and apparently it did not disappoint. Thanks to my mom for dropping him off all the way out by Wild Water Adventures (or Clovis Lakes as we old-timers call it). So tonight, I will read him Harry Potter even though I could fall asleep at this instant. After all, he deserves some good mom time.
So, I am thankful again for both of my beautiful children. I know that even though times are crazy busy and hard, their childhood will not last forever. I am off now to enjoy what I can of it on this night.
Leslie

Day 15 - Being Yourself

So today I met a couple of people that I thought were interesting.

First, Mark and I met a man who is surely a multi-millionaire. He owns two shopping centers in two nice areas of Fresno. He has owned one of them since 1969. And I'm not talking ghetto centers. I mean nice, good, successful shopping centers. So, why was I so impressed with this man? First, he was meeting with us personally to show us a couple of spaces he had open in his centers. He rolled up to our appointment in a beat up red early 90's pick up. I am guessing there was no A/C because his window was rolled down in this heat! The paint was totally faded and actually completely gone in spots. He hops out of his truck and is wearing a purple t-shirt and shorts. I don't know, something about this guy just struck me as cool. As we began to talk he got even cooler. He just seemed like some regular old guy - like he lives on social security and a little pension from some job that he had for thirty years. He was generous with his time and modest except for when I inquired as to if he had children, which he then bragged on. Anyway, he was just really neat. There was not a pretentious bone in his body.

The second interesting person I met today was a - well, I guess she was a transvestite? I can't say for sure if there had been operations or whatnot. Perhaps she was simply a cross-dresser. It was somebody who is or was a dude who was dressed like a lady (enter appropriate Aerosmith hook here). She was nice and was looking for wine for a party. She was dressed like a housewife from another time; like a sitcom mom. Florence Henderson might even be too modern. Think June Cleaver. But part of what was so striking, other than her general friendliness and 5 o'clock shadow, was a manly looking tattoo on her forearm peeking out from under the short sleeve of her delicate printed pink blouse. I was desperately trying not to be distracted by all of the contradictions that seemed to pull together and co-exist in harmony on this very intriguing person.

The third person that I spent some time with today was my brother. When we were teenagers he learned how to play guitar. He would play songs that we knew back then and I would sing. It was always fun. Once we were both married I ended up taking a guitar class through Fresno Adult School. I learned a few basic chords and from then on I have enjoyed messing around with the guitar from time to time. I am no good AT ALL but, my real goal was never really to play well, it was just to learn to play well enough to sing along. About 6 or 7 years ago I wrote a song. Most of my family has heard it but somehow Ted had not. So, tonight he came over and I played my song for him. In return, he played two of his songs - well really two and a half - for me! They were fabulous! I feel really fortunate to be one of two or three people who have heard them.

It's really difficult sharing not only your voice with someone, but also sharing music you have written. Writing songs can be sort of a private thing. It's really hard to lay something out there and say, "I wrote this and I like it." Sometimes when I start messing around with songs I think, "Blah, this is so cheesy and bad", and I quit. So, inspired by this evening, I may see if I can come up with a new song or two for him to play.

My point with these three stories is that there are some people who try and hide who they are. Worse yet, there are some people who try to intentionally deceive you. But, my favorite kind of person is an authentic person: someone who is open and honest about who they are, what they do, what they hope to do, and who they hope to become. All three of these people were laying it all out there for me today. The millionaire seemed to be doing what came easy and naturally to him. The transvestite probably had some sense of courage that many of us can't even fathom having. And my brother who has an open and honest character tonight demonstrated a subtle courage needed to share something very personal like music.

So today I am thankful for all of those who have the courage to be open to our crazy world and the people in it!

Day 14 - AZO

Umm, ok I'm having an issue that girls sometimes have. Apparently, since I never had a urinary tract infection as a child, life has decided to play catch up with me. So, today I am beyond thankful for AZO. That stuff is a miracle.

Day 13 - Kona did not get hit by a UPS truck

Today I am thankful that Kona did not get hit by a UPS truck which is exactly what almost happened at about 6:00 p.m.

Day 12 - Dads and Mark Janzen

OK, OK Day 11 and Day 12 are being written on the same day. Whatever. I was busy yesterday and super tired last night.

So, today, I am of course thankful for all of the fathers in my life. My father, my father-in-law, my husband, my brother, and my uncles. Dads have a special place and a "I will do man stuff for you" mentality that is unparalleled. Teach your kids to love baseball? Dads. Teach them golf? Dads. Show them what a real fart sounds like? Dads. Fix your faucet? Dads. Bring your trash cans in just to be nice? Dads. Show your kids how to fish? Dads. Perhaps as the blog goes on I will single them out one by one and do a whole bunch more on them.

But, for today, since I am right now ignoring my family I will just say that I am glad that I picked Mark Janzen to the father of my children. First of all, have you seen my kids? They are genetic masterpieces (if you ignore the whole Lynch Syndrome cancer danger situation). Secondly, he is a good cook (thank goodness one of us is). And last, while sometimes he completely baffles me with his craziness, most of the time I think he is very sane and, in general shares my values and beliefs. Plus he is an amazing photographer and he likes to travel with me. We both like to drive and that is a problem but, we'll ignore that for now!

So, hooray for Fathers' Day! And today I will keep my mouth shut about zombie shooter video games blaring through the house!

Leslie

Did Leslie Get Her Groove Back? - Day 11

Amid rumors of mid-life crises and general unrest comes a new report regarding wife and mother of two, Leslie Janzen. Sources confirm that on at least two occasions Leslie Janzen's mojo has been sighted. Reports of her previously believed to be extinct mojo have given rise to new questions: will her mojo make another appearance and to what degree will her mojo come back?

ITD reporters spoke with Janzen herself who confirmed that within the last week she has both been told that she looked like a movie star and had been hit on by an older, yet not grotesque gentleman.

"It's true," Janzen said, "There was this guy who hit on me at work. When I was younger I used to think it was really sleazy if an old guy tried to pick up on me. But, you know, even though this guy was most definitely old enough to be my father I was taken aback and flattered that anyone, anywhere would try to hit on me."

Janzen says that the man, a customer at her store, was repeatedly complementary of her and engaged in a conversation that lasted approximately 5-10 minutes.

"I really didn't know we were 'connecting' in that way." Janzen said, "He had mentioned that he was single but I was pretty surprised when at the end of the conversation he said that I should 'tell my husband he was a lucky man'."

Until recently Janzen had never expected to find her mojo again, "I really just thought it was gone and that general frumpiness had pretty much taken over."

While one can wonder if her mojo will continue to build up steam, there is no indication as to the cause of the recent reappearance. There has been no weight loss, no change in wardrobe, no rejuvenating facials at Z's day spa. The only difference in the past week has been the IDT blog.

You be the judge.

Day 10 - Spending Time with Friends

Tonight I was a bachelorette again! Mark was at a wedding, Jack is in the mountains with my mom, and my mother-in-law agreed to keep Merrill overnight. What to do with a free evening?Clean the house, do laundry, work on piles of stuff that keep growing bigger and bigger? These would have all been brilliant ideas that would have made me miserable! So, no.

I had the great pleasure of seeing an old friend. Wait, did I say friend? I thought I didn't see friends anymore? Hooray! It's true - I still have friends! Good friendships are those that can lay somewhat dormant for awhile but pick back up where you have left off like no time has passed. It is so nice to be in the presence of someone who you really, really like but have not seen in a long time.

Here is a picture of Jennifer and Brandon's dogs Lily and Daisy. They are super-sweet but they make Kona look like she is on valium.

Day 9 - My Movie Star Good Looks - lol :)

First of All - I accidentally numbered two posts day 5 so instead of being day 8, this is day 9. Anyway ...Today is perhaps the easiest post ever.

I was having lunch at Betty's sandwiches in Uncle Harry's Baglery when the girl behind the counter said, "You look like a movie star."

I was like, "Wow, really?"

She said,"Yeah, every time you come in here I think you look like a movie star."

At this point I am thinking to myself that this girl might be nuts but since the conversation was clearly going my way I thought, what the heck.

She continued, "You know that girl from He's Just Not That Into You? The one with the brown hair. You look a lot like her."

Yay! I knew who she was talking about and it wasn't Kathy Bates! I was stunned and promptly issued a barrage of thank yous. I told her that she had absolutely made my day - and she had.

I do not presume to think I look like this chick, who I have now identified as Gennifer Goodwin, but I was so extremely flattered that in the midst of my feeling kinda fat and kinda old the sandwich girl thought I resembled someone cute.

Day 7 - Being Good Tired

You may or may not know that I have a very talented sister-in-law. She has fantastic artistic ability and a wonderful imagination. She has always had a passion for design and has most recently been working doing graphic design jobs but she has had a long history of doing stationery and invitations. Anyway, Mariah has more artistic talent in her little finger than I have in my whole body.

About 10 months ago we began formulating a game plan that would pair us together as business partners. Over the course of the next few months we changed direction a few times, re-vamped, started up, started over and then took a few long breaks when life got in the way. Today was an amazing day because not only did we pick up the ball that we had dropped a while ago but we hurled it 40 feet into the air! Wow! We are so close to something really, really cool. When the time is right hopefully y'all will check it out!

In the meantime today did not feel like work at all, it felt like hanging out with my sister-in-law, brother, and nephew. Merrill was a great baby and let us get a lot done. And where I had been feeling so tired that I couldn't possibly give one of my two days off from CPWM to go to work for this venture, now I am energized and see that this was the complete opposite of giving my last remaining energy. It was, to put it in the self-help sense, a sharpening of the saw or filling up the old bucket.

There is a clip of an interview with Harry Chapin on one of his Cd's and he talks about being "good tired" (Also thank you to Uncle Doug for the fact that I even know who Harry Chapin is). If you don't feel like reading you can listen to it on the link above

"My grandfather was a painter. He died at age eighty-eight, he illustrated Robert Frost's first two books of poetry and he was looking at me and he said, 'Harry, there are two kinds of tired: there's good-tired, and there's bad-tired.' He said, 'Ironically enough, bad-tired can be a day that you won. But you won other people's battles, you lived other people's days, other peoples agendas, other people's dreams and when it was all over there was very little "you" in there, and when you hit the hay at night, somehow you toss and turn--you don't settle easy.' He said, 'Good-tired, ironically enough, can be a day that you lost. But you don't have to tell yourself, 'cause you knew you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days, and when you hit the hay at night, you settle easy--you sleep the sleep of the just, and you can say "take me away."'

He said, 'Harry, all my life I've painted. God, I would've loved to be more successful, but I painted and I painted, and I am good-tired and they can take me away.'

Now, if there is a process in your and my lives in the insecurity that we have about a prior life or an afterlife and God--I hope there is a God. If He is-- if He does exist He's got a rather weird sense of humor, however. But let's just-- But if there's a process that will allow us to live our days and will allow us that degree of equanimity towards the end, looking at that black, implacable wall of death, to allow us that degree of peace, that degree of non-fear, I want in."-

Harry Chapin

...I am thankful for being "good tired" tonight.

Day 6 - Jack's Love for Life

Today I am thankful for the fact that Jack is having an amazing time with his Grandma Cindy at Dinkey Creek.
When Jack decided to go up for the whole week, I don't think he realized that a week can seem like a really long time away from home. He cried on Friday before bedtime and we talked about what a fantastic time he would have. He wasn't convinced and cried again on Saturday. He gave me giant hugs and kisses before I left for work on Sunday! Side note - hugs and kisses from Jack are phenomenal. He is so sweet and loving. 100% LOVE!
Anyway, I was really worried about him. I kept having this vision of my mom having to drive him down the hill on Monday morning with the thought that he would later regret his decision and want to go back a couple of days later. But, despite having a bit of a rough go on Sunday night, when I talked to him on Monday he was his amazing, sweet, energetic self.
Today he called while I was at Target and I didn't hear my phone. I was beyond disappointed! I hoped and hoped that he would call back and... he did! He was excited because Uncle Mimmy was up there and that meant the campfires were going to be a bit more eventful.
I am so proud of Jack and his ability to fit into any situation. He is so strong and has so much love for life. He is amazingly confident (he recently auditioned for a TV show and while he didn't get the part, I just kept thinking, I would never have had the confidence to do that as a child. He got a call back but no luck in the final selection). He is just super awesome and I am so glad that he feels so at home with my grandma and my mom.
We miss him but Mark and I are glad that he's happy.

Day 5 - Driving through the Foothills

Tonight I was tired. I got up pretty early to meet Peggy, my step-mom to do a Merrill hand-off at 8:30. This meant that Merrill and I both had to be ready for our days. Anyway, after a long day at work, where a fellow worker may or may not have complained about me to one of the managers, I had to decide whether or not to ask Peggy to meet me half way down the hill from their house or to make the drive there and back by myself.
For those of you that don't know my dad and Peggy live a few miles past Table Mountain Casino up Auberry road just a ways. Even though I was tired I decided to go up because it had been a while since I had seen them.
Once I got in the car and set out on Friant road I began to relax and unwind. The way home with Merrill in the back seat was even better. I turned on some good music (Genius mix populated by Southside of Heaven by Ryan Bingham), rolled the window down, and enjoyed the foothills - our foothills. It was warm but so nice. I really enjoyed the ride and even got to see a little jack rabbit (still hopping, not squished) by the side of the road. I just love looking around and seeing different things: an old house with horses, a fence that used to be new looking kind of ragged, new houses being built.
Anyway, it was a lovely little drive for me and for Merrill who stayed awake but seemed content.
12 hours after I left my house this morning I returned home looking forward to my two days off. Merrill and I took a shower so we are both clean and happy!

Day 5 - An Evening Out

Just had a lovely evening out with my husband and Merrill. We went to the Tokyo Steakhouse which is my very favorite restaurant. I had fried rice and filet mignon. They have the world's most delicious teriyaki and spicy sauces and when you mix them together - ah - heaven! Merrill was not totally sure about the fire at our teppanyaki table but she seemed to like all of the goings on and the miso soup and fried rice. I was STUFFED when we left. Good thing I was in a dress that didn't button or zip or otherwise have any sort of encumbrance on the waistband!

Day 4 -Sweet Jack

So we got home from my mom's house tonight and Jack and I turned on the TV. We ended up on PBS watching Great Performances. We were both mesmerized by Jackie Evancho, perhaps for different reasons. It was really strange to hear this big voice come out of this sweet Fitzgerald looking girl! Anyway, I was banned from changing the channel and he begged me to order the DVD for $100.00. I told him he was nuts. Sweet, but nuts.

Day 3 - The AAA Relaxing Station

Today I would like to express my gratitude for the AAA Relaxing Station.

I was first turned onto the concept of the Chinese massage by my sister-in-law, Jennifer, when we worked at Gottschalks together. I was instantly hooked. For those of you that have never been let me give you the low-down.

The Relaxing Station is not for the faint of heart. First, you must be comfortable with a Chinese man, identified only by a number on his name tag, in a red polo and khaki pants doing your massage. Generally speaking they stick to the opposite sex rule to match up clients with masseuses unless they are super busy. Even at that they are known to trade mid-massage. You lay down on a fairly publicly visible massage table whose head hole is padded by a kitchen towel and covered by a Bounty paper towel as a method of preserving its sanitation. They then cover you with a white towel, put on some white cloth gloves, and get to work.

If a professional, high-end spa massage is the Mustang Ranch, then the AAA Relaxing station is the back-alley, back-seat, down and dirty romp. There is no foreplay: no steam room, no fancy terry robes, no water with a slice of lemon for your enjoyment. As the sign clearly states, "This is not a quiet place," which can mean that either the other patrons are talking, often on cell phones, or more than likely that the workers are talking during your massage. My man today seriously took a cell phone call while working on my back. Amazingly, he continued to use two hands so, no harm no foul.

Another consideration is that you must also be comfortable with the man touching your butt. Touching may not be the right word because its a lot more than that. He will inevitably spend some time with his elbow in your butt cheek (Important to note that do not touch your butt crack or any private part!). Anyway, they will jiggle it, massage it, and get you to the point where you are like, "Wow, apparently I hold a lot of tension in my butt." The real catch comes when they are massaging your butt and talking to other workers. In general, it is a little unnerving to have a conversation going on around you that you suspect might be about you that you can't understand. What is even more unnerving is when they all begin to laugh and you think to yourself, "What is so funny about my butt, #74?".

But I digress. I realize that this may sound less than pleasant so far. Add to it the muzack that ranges from Air Supply, Celine Dion, various show tunes, and various other songs that you spend way too much time trying to play "name that tune" with and you might ask yourself, "Why would anyone spend $19 on 40 minutes of such nonsense?"

Well, a massage is a massage after all and these guys are professionals. Beginning with a gentle back-popping - ahhhh - and working into serious elbow in the shoulder action, these guys get all of the spots! The neck, the shoulder blades, your lower back - pressure points you never really knew were there. Now, I'm not going to lie; sometimes it hurts, especially on the legs. They really don't understand much English so, you have to decide if you want to jeopardize a good massage by telling them "softer" if you have a spot where you like less pressure. If you do that you run the risk of your entire massage being softened up a bit. They do the your arms, your legs, a little on the feet, and then they have you sit up and do your head.

Essentially, it is a super-cheap way to leave a shopping center feeling like a million bucks. Upon leaving, your voice is in that relaxed low tone, and they give you a bottle of water for the road.

I really, truly love going to the AAA Relaxing station. I would like to have a red-polo'ed massage servant on duty at the Janzen residence but alas, that is out of the old budget.

Oh - side note, you will occasionally get a masseuse with gas. Hold your breath and bear it; it's all worth it.

(Photo: AAA Relaxing Station at First and Nees. This is the best one because there is usually no wait and there are plenty of men vs women working. The man in the window did my massage today and it was good.)

Day 2 - Starbucks Outdoor Seating w/ Umbrella

Today I am grateful for Starbucks outdoor seating.

I was having kind of a crappy day. I have been fairly emotionally raw and today was absolutely no exception. On my break - oh, also thankful that my break is 15 minutes instead of 10 - anyway, on my break I went to Starbucks for some desperately needed tea. Also, because I love sweets and because I use food to comfort myself in times of despair, I got myself a birthday pop. Now, in case you have not had a birthday pop from Starbucks I can only say that they are DIVINE! They are essentially undercooked cake batter dipped in a kind of waxy pink frosting with little white sprinkles. Delicious. So, after getting my order from the barista (he told me something kind of strange like, "let me know if the drink isn't as magnificent as I wanted it to be"), I was going to go back to the miserably tiny and fluorescent lit Cost Plus break room to console myself with said tea and birthday pop. But when I stepped outside it all of a sudden hit me that it was a gorgeous day and that I should sit outside. Oh my goodness. Ahhh. Just sitting down outside and breathing in fresh air was such a good way to get rid of my sadness and emotional funk. My mind wandered to this and that. After a minute I was relaxed enough to notice an abandon bag sitting by the trash can and began to wonder if there was a bomb. I pondered it for a while. Should I call the cops? Should I go check it out? I quickly dismissed the thought of doing anything about it and went back to enjoying my tea.

It was really good to just get outside and remember why I am working in the first place. It was good to remember that this job was supposed to be a job I didn't take home with me. It was supposed to be a job that I wasn't emotionally invested in. After all, it's just wine, not brain surgery. It's temporary, I keep reminding myself. Yes, my true potential is being wasted but, as Mark likes to remind me, even cave women went out and gathered nuts and berries. So until we have enough nuts and berries I will continue to gather.

Once my break was over I felt much better for having sat in the non-filtered air of the great outdoors at River Park. Well, it's no Dinkey but it'll have to do.

Thank you Starbucks.

Day 1 - Being Alive

I may be fooling myself into thinking that I can actually make time for this endeavor every day but, what the heck. I expect some posts will be super short and I may forget sometimes but, I'm going to try hard to do this. Thanks to Emily L'Heureux, who I don't really know but am nevertheless Facebook friends with, for the inspiration.

So, I thought I'd start out with the big one. Cliche, possibly, but I thought I'd get it out there. Being alive is something I totally forget to be thankful for. Alas, if this were a 1911 instead of 2011, I would be dead a couple of times over. One might view my entire life after 23 as icing on the cake of life.

Since I guess the purpose is to reflect and whatnot here's the scene for you. It was 1998 and Mark and I lived in Lawrence, Kansas in a really nice two-bedroom apartment on Clinton Parkway which was back then the edge of town. I knew things weren't totally right in the old digestive system but I really didn't know why or think that it was anything super-serious. Anyway, my mom, using her supermom spidey-sense had come to visit. She and I were sitting at the kitchen table when my doctor called and told me that I had colon cancer. He couldn't say if there was more, if it had spread, or how bad the situation actually was. I don't know if I was particularly upset right at that moment (my mom might be able to tell you) but, I do remember a month or so later, on a drive to Kansas City for one appointment or another, having this total realization that my life could potentially be very short. On that drive, in Mark's red truck that was really loud because of the kind of tires he had, there was one huge thing that I knew that I wanted more than anything else in life. The thought that I could die before I had children was absolutely horrific to me and thus, becoming a mom went from being something that I wanted to do someday to something that I was meant to do.

Fast forward 12 and a half years. Last week I had this day where I was so tired that I could not do one more dish, fold one more piece of laundry, pick up one more toy, or even contemplate for a moment giving anything more of myself to anyone else. I was seriously like the people on the depression commercials. I was a wreck. There gets to be so much in life that I feel like I "have to do" that I forget that all the toys and the laundry and the energy I put into being a good mom and wife are all part of what make life worth living. I am sitting in my really wonderful back yard right now watching my two amazing and beautiful children play in the sprinkler. There are toys all over the yard that I will have to pick up and even though Merrill is shivering I am going to have to drag both of them kicking and screaming back inside so that I can finish making dinner.

I think about all of the little moments over the last 18 months of Merrill, 7 years of Jack, 12 years of Mark and all of the times with friends and family, some of whom are no longer here and I am just amazed, baffled, awestruck - I could have missed this ALL! Or I guess, we all would have missed this all. Y'all would have found something else to fill the time. Mark might be married to a photographer who is as excited as he is when he gets a new camera and actually keeps her house clean.

Anyway, I am so grateful that I am here to get to live this life.

Thank you.

(Photo: Self-Timer. Around September of 1998 in our apartment. Yes, we lived in sin.)