Sunday, July 24, 2016

Uncle Doug

I’ve been meaning to do this post for awhile. In fact about two months ago my mom had shared on Facebook one of writings from a few years ago and my Uncle Doug had commented that he wished I would start up again. And I meant to – mainly for him because I knew he wasn't feeling great and I thought he might appreciate it - but, I didn’t. Then he went into the hospital and I thought, “I know, maybe to lift his spirits I should write a blog post for him” and I meant to but, I didn’t. And then he was in so much pain that I thought well, even if he can’t really even hear or pay attention to a post of me babbling on about him, maybe I should just write it and put it into the universe. And I meant to but, I didn’t. And then it was over. He was over. So, this is belated to say the least.

Picture this: Me at fourteen, semi-moody - alright, totally moody - and having just said goodbye to my mom and brother for presumably ever. We had just finished moving them to an apartment in the Bay Area so that my mom could take a new job. My brother, Ted was in junior high and had agreed to go with her. I didn’t want to leave my friends so, our solution was for my family leave me in Fresno. My mom arranged it with my grandma and grandpa so that I could live with them and stay at Edison. It was hard to have the three of us split up. This was my core, my nucleus, and it was all coming apart – my own doing, mind you – but, I was feeling alone. Anyway, Uncle Doug (among others) had helped Mom and Ted move and so, it was him that I rode back to Fresno with. We’re in his truck on the I-5 and it was hot, I think. We talked about whatever. And then at one point, he turns on Harry Chapin and starts singing to me. What adult thinks that playing Harry Chapin for a moody teenager is a good idea? And I don’t mean to imply that I am special or different or whatever but, really, what fourteen year old is going to hear Harry Chapin and go, “Yes, I love it!” but, I did. I did then and I do today. That day – that three hours – that was a gift to me and one that I have never forgotten. I felt cared for in a time when I was pretty down.

Uncle Doug always did nice things for me when I was going through tough times. Most recently when I had my pacemaker surgery, he and Aunt Laura brought me Starbucks in the hospital and a meal from Tahoe Joe’s when I got home. And all the way back to the first time I was in the hospital in Kansas he sent me a Best of Kate Wolf CD. The Kate Wolf CD was good but, more than that it got me started on a mini-folk music journey. Mark and I eventually went to the Kate Wolf Music Festival in Sebastopol which was a unique experience itself. I guess I just don’t know if I would have ever done that without the initial listen from Uncle Doug. He never sent me a Gordon Lightfoot CD which would have been taking it a bit too far, I think; he knew the limit!

He was always quick to celebrate my accomplishments. For my college graduation he sent me very beautiful flowers which I can still picture with a note saying how proud he was of me. He gave high praise the couple of times that I put myself out there and sang in public. Technically, even when it wasn’t in public and even when Ted and I sounded fairly terrible in our own homes, he shared videos like we were incredible musicians!

He helped me make a pinhole camera in elementary school when neither I nor my mom had an idea what to do for a science project. In high school he helped me make an electro magnet. He let me use his computer with whatever program pre-dated AOL so that I could get on the internet and chat with boys (Ok, I don’t know if he actually knew that is what I was doing but, it wasn’t like people chat now. It was more like pen-pals)

He tested the duct work when we got our first house to see that the cold air wasn’t leaking much.

He bought me the jewelry box that sits on my dresser.

He loved my kids. I mean like really loved them. I used to get excited calls around Christmastime for either an opinion on a purchase or just a head’s up if it was something that he knew was right for them. The rug in Merrill’s room, a sweet little Frozen necklace, Jack’s bow and arrow, Lego sets, cookbooks – he was always trying to get my kids just what they wanted.

He picked Merrill up once from school this year and offered no more than two months ago to take Jack to the family’s Saturday morning breakfast tradition whenever he wanted to go.

He wasn’t just generous with my kids, mind you. All kids got great gifts from Uncle Doug! He really loved showering them with presents that he took time to pick out.

Two Sundays ago he said he didn’t want any more treatment. The room was crowded with people who loved him. On Monday, when I arrived at the hospital shortly after he had passed, the room was crowded with people who loved him. Do I regret not properly say goodbye? Maybe. I mean, I had planned to, once he got to hospice, once there were few enough people that I could ask to have the room for a minute and maybe just have mom and Aunt Laura in there. But, it might have been too late for him to hear me then anyway. And I might have been – no, I would definitely have been- a blob of tears and snot and he probably didn’t really need to see that as one of the final views of the world. Either way, lessoned learned.

I guess I’m just glad that I was there, glad that I was around for some of the last little bit. I’m glad that he came to hear me sing just three weeks before he died. I am glad that he had good brothers and a good sister and that they were there for him. I am most of all glad that he had someone to share his life with because being married is hard but, worth it and in the end, no one knows you like your spouse.

So, that’s kind of it, I guess. There are more stories and things but, I think this gives you the general idea. He was a special. I think he made a lot of people feel special.

I tell my kids something at night which they hate but, I love and so, I’ll leave you with it now as a final reflection on what it means to be alive and part of this crazy world.
“You are precious and more loved than you will ever know”