Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Day 25 - Letting Go of What Cannot or Should Not Be



Today I started thinking about things that I will never do.
When you are young there are so many possibilities. The choices are daunting, really. You feel like you are good, or could be good, at everything and the world becomes a dizzying place as no clear cut path is laid out before you. As you get older doors close and you come to realize that there are things you will never do. Mostly, I am fine with all the things that I did not choose to do or be in life. I am comfortable with my choice to drop out of KU and return to Fresno. I am happy that I didn't move to another city and miss meeting Mark. I like the life that I have. And time passes this way and one by one the possibilities drift away. You change and the things that seemed important, exciting, or fun, change too. I have come to realize that I am now a worry wart. I didn't used to be. I'm not sure I can ever be less of one than I am now.
Some things I will never do because I am too scared; some because I'm too lazy. You might argue that some are still technically "possible" and, they might be but, today I reflect on things that I have let go*. I am at peace with them.
Things I will likely never do:
Own a baseball team
– I can’t imagine a scenario where this would happen. It would be cool though, and I would not be like the lady from Major League and try to move the team to Miami. Although, I might send a cardboard cutout of myself to the team. Unfortunately, I might have to make it backwards – lose a game peel a sticker off.
Win a shopping spree – A childhood dream. I can remember walking down the aisles of Toys R Us and wanting so desperately to throw everything in my cart. Who wouldn’t love a shopping spree? But, I don’t enter contests anymore so, this is really impossible.
Hike alone in the woods – I love the idea of the peace and solitude that a solo hike would provide but, I am such a scardy cat. What if a bear attacked me? I would be so worried and panicked the entire time that I wouldn’t enjoy my hike.
Skydive – Bungee jumping totally ruined this for me. Now I know how fast you really fall and, while it was certainly adrenaline-inducing, I don’t know that I would enjoy that feeling for an extended period of time. Plus, I’m a mom now and it seems less than ideal to jump out of a plane.
Write a novel – I have neither the skill nor the patience for this but it would be fun anyway.
Direct a movie – Not happenin’. Bummer. This was my big plan when I dropped out of school. Then we got two dogs that needed a yard and decided to stay in town.
Be in a musical – My particular wish was to play Rizzo in Grease but I would take any role really. I think it would be fun to sing and act on stage. I like to think that if I get brave in my old age I could go try for Roger Rocka’s but, I really don’t see me following through with this.
Go deep sea fishing – Again, there is potential here but I am so worried about getting seasick that I am just not sure I can bring myself to do it.
Drink whiskey – I would like to be a girl that is cool and tough and can drink a man’s drink. I’m not. I never will be.
Get a tattoo – I think I missed the window on this one. At 36 there is no statement that I would want to make with a tattoo on my body. I wouldn’t mind some little symbol or something but the only way I could see this happening is if the next thing comes true.
Look like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. Bad ass. – Then I could get a tattoo and freaking go hiking by myself because I could kick a bear’s ass. And I would carry a gun and know how to use it. In fact, this one might be the key to all of the others.
Be a contestant a game show – I would really take any game show at this point. I just want to go on one. But, Wheel of Fortune won’t have me and I’m only smart enough for Teen Jeopardy.
Have a cool accent - It's a jolly oliday with you butt. You know what I mean?
Smoke using a cigarette holder - But, smoking is dangerous and certainly unbecoming no matter how neat the holder looks.
Know the difference between an outfit looking funky or looking stupid – I have never had the ability to distinguish between these two things. I pick a funky sweater and it just looks like a grandma sweater.
Let my hair grow down to my butt (or beyond) – Inspired at an early age by Crystal Gayle, I just think this would be neat. I would feel like Rapunzel.
Swim in an official competition with goggles and a cap – I was always too chicken to sign up for swimming in High School and I have regretted it ever since. You can’t go back in time and change things.
Surf – 1. I am now afraid of Riptides. 2. I am afraid of sharks. 3. I don’t have very good balance. But again, if I looked like Sarah Connor…
Travel with a band – Not as a groupie. Not about sex. I just want to hit the road and follow a band for a summer because it sounds cool. At this point I would either pick The Avett Brothers, Ryan Adams, Greg Brown, or maybe the Dave Matthews Band but, I am sort of getting over them.
Drop out and live on a beach in Mexico – This sounds like a better idea than it actually is, I’m sure.
Find me a cool rider – Well, I won’t be finding any more men and I absolutely wouldn’t want my husband to start riding a motorcycle because they are super dangerous but, it’s sort of a remnant of a dream from teenage years; a result of watching too much Grease 2.
Participating in the World Poker Tour –Because it’s not that complicated of a game and because I think the announcers could give me a cool nickname and persona.
Hitting a home run – God, that must feel nice!
Being able to wear anything in public without a bra and have it look sexy not ugly – Long have I been jealous of girls who can do this. Blah. This is not a weight thing so I’m not sure going full out GI Jane would help me on this one. Only a boob job would fix this and I am not sure if I actually had ten grand that I would spend it on this.
Things I am still holding out hope for:
Ride a horse on the beach
– I should be able to do this. Again, a remnant of a childhood dream. Not sure what movie I saw this in but it seems like I have wanted to do this for as long as I can remember.
Write a hit song, or at least a song that gets recorded – This might require me actually sitting down with the guitar or at the piano on a regular basis. Right now I can’t seem to make the time for it.
Wearing my bathing suit in public and not being totally mortified – Potential New Year’s resolution? I would love to take the kids to a water park.


* This is not a bucket list

No comments:

Post a Comment