Day 3 - The AAA Relaxing Station

Today I would like to express my gratitude for the AAA Relaxing Station.

I was first turned onto the concept of the Chinese massage by my sister-in-law, Jennifer, when we worked at Gottschalks together. I was instantly hooked. For those of you that have never been let me give you the low-down.

The Relaxing Station is not for the faint of heart. First, you must be comfortable with a Chinese man, identified only by a number on his name tag, in a red polo and khaki pants doing your massage. Generally speaking they stick to the opposite sex rule to match up clients with masseuses unless they are super busy. Even at that they are known to trade mid-massage. You lay down on a fairly publicly visible massage table whose head hole is padded by a kitchen towel and covered by a Bounty paper towel as a method of preserving its sanitation. They then cover you with a white towel, put on some white cloth gloves, and get to work.

If a professional, high-end spa massage is the Mustang Ranch, then the AAA Relaxing station is the back-alley, back-seat, down and dirty romp. There is no foreplay: no steam room, no fancy terry robes, no water with a slice of lemon for your enjoyment. As the sign clearly states, "This is not a quiet place," which can mean that either the other patrons are talking, often on cell phones, or more than likely that the workers are talking during your massage. My man today seriously took a cell phone call while working on my back. Amazingly, he continued to use two hands so, no harm no foul.

Another consideration is that you must also be comfortable with the man touching your butt. Touching may not be the right word because its a lot more than that. He will inevitably spend some time with his elbow in your butt cheek (Important to note that do not touch your butt crack or any private part!). Anyway, they will jiggle it, massage it, and get you to the point where you are like, "Wow, apparently I hold a lot of tension in my butt." The real catch comes when they are massaging your butt and talking to other workers. In general, it is a little unnerving to have a conversation going on around you that you suspect might be about you that you can't understand. What is even more unnerving is when they all begin to laugh and you think to yourself, "What is so funny about my butt, #74?".

But I digress. I realize that this may sound less than pleasant so far. Add to it the muzack that ranges from Air Supply, Celine Dion, various show tunes, and various other songs that you spend way too much time trying to play "name that tune" with and you might ask yourself, "Why would anyone spend $19 on 40 minutes of such nonsense?"

Well, a massage is a massage after all and these guys are professionals. Beginning with a gentle back-popping - ahhhh - and working into serious elbow in the shoulder action, these guys get all of the spots! The neck, the shoulder blades, your lower back - pressure points you never really knew were there. Now, I'm not going to lie; sometimes it hurts, especially on the legs. They really don't understand much English so, you have to decide if you want to jeopardize a good massage by telling them "softer" if you have a spot where you like less pressure. If you do that you run the risk of your entire massage being softened up a bit. They do the your arms, your legs, a little on the feet, and then they have you sit up and do your head.

Essentially, it is a super-cheap way to leave a shopping center feeling like a million bucks. Upon leaving, your voice is in that relaxed low tone, and they give you a bottle of water for the road.

I really, truly love going to the AAA Relaxing station. I would like to have a red-polo'ed massage servant on duty at the Janzen residence but alas, that is out of the old budget.

Oh - side note, you will occasionally get a masseuse with gas. Hold your breath and bear it; it's all worth it.

(Photo: AAA Relaxing Station at First and Nees. This is the best one because there is usually no wait and there are plenty of men vs women working. The man in the window did my massage today and it was good.)