I may be fooling myself into thinking that I can actually make time for this endeavor every day but, what the heck. I expect some posts will be super short and I may forget sometimes but, I'm going to try hard to do this. Thanks to Emily L'Heureux, who I don't really know but am nevertheless Facebook friends with, for the inspiration.
So, I thought I'd start out with the big one. Cliche, possibly, but I thought I'd get it out there. Being alive is something I totally forget to be thankful for. Alas, if this were a 1911 instead of 2011, I would be dead a couple of times over. One might view my entire life after 23 as icing on the cake of life.
Since I guess the purpose is to reflect and whatnot here's the scene for you. It was 1998 and Mark and I lived in Lawrence, Kansas in a really nice two-bedroom apartment on Clinton Parkway which was back then the edge of town. I knew things weren't totally right in the old digestive system but I really didn't know why or think that it was anything super-serious. Anyway, my mom, using her supermom spidey-sense had come to visit. She and I were sitting at the kitchen table when my doctor called and told me that I had colon cancer. He couldn't say if there was more, if it had spread, or how bad the situation actually was. I don't know if I was particularly upset right at that moment (my mom might be able to tell you) but, I do remember a month or so later, on a drive to Kansas City for one appointment or another, having this total realization that my life could potentially be very short. On that drive, in Mark's red truck that was really loud because of the kind of tires he had, there was one huge thing that I knew that I wanted more than anything else in life. The thought that I could die before I had children was absolutely horrific to me and thus, becoming a mom went from being something that I wanted to do someday to something that I was meant to do.
Fast forward 12 and a half years. Last week I had this day where I was so tired that I could not do one more dish, fold one more piece of laundry, pick up one more toy, or even contemplate for a moment giving anything more of myself to anyone else. I was seriously like the people on the depression commercials. I was a wreck. There gets to be so much in life that I feel like I "have to do" that I forget that all the toys and the laundry and the energy I put into being a good mom and wife are all part of what make life worth living. I am sitting in my really wonderful back yard right now watching my two amazing and beautiful children play in the sprinkler. There are toys all over the yard that I will have to pick up and even though Merrill is shivering I am going to have to drag both of them kicking and screaming back inside so that I can finish making dinner.
I think about all of the little moments over the last 18 months of Merrill, 7 years of Jack, 12 years of Mark and all of the times with friends and family, some of whom are no longer here and I am just amazed, baffled, awestruck - I could have missed this ALL! Or I guess, we all would have missed this all. Y'all would have found something else to fill the time. Mark might be married to a photographer who is as excited as he is when he gets a new camera and actually keeps her house clean.
Anyway, I am so grateful that I am here to get to live this life.
Thank you.
So, I thought I'd start out with the big one. Cliche, possibly, but I thought I'd get it out there. Being alive is something I totally forget to be thankful for. Alas, if this were a 1911 instead of 2011, I would be dead a couple of times over. One might view my entire life after 23 as icing on the cake of life.
Since I guess the purpose is to reflect and whatnot here's the scene for you. It was 1998 and Mark and I lived in Lawrence, Kansas in a really nice two-bedroom apartment on Clinton Parkway which was back then the edge of town. I knew things weren't totally right in the old digestive system but I really didn't know why or think that it was anything super-serious. Anyway, my mom, using her supermom spidey-sense had come to visit. She and I were sitting at the kitchen table when my doctor called and told me that I had colon cancer. He couldn't say if there was more, if it had spread, or how bad the situation actually was. I don't know if I was particularly upset right at that moment (my mom might be able to tell you) but, I do remember a month or so later, on a drive to Kansas City for one appointment or another, having this total realization that my life could potentially be very short. On that drive, in Mark's red truck that was really loud because of the kind of tires he had, there was one huge thing that I knew that I wanted more than anything else in life. The thought that I could die before I had children was absolutely horrific to me and thus, becoming a mom went from being something that I wanted to do someday to something that I was meant to do.
Fast forward 12 and a half years. Last week I had this day where I was so tired that I could not do one more dish, fold one more piece of laundry, pick up one more toy, or even contemplate for a moment giving anything more of myself to anyone else. I was seriously like the people on the depression commercials. I was a wreck. There gets to be so much in life that I feel like I "have to do" that I forget that all the toys and the laundry and the energy I put into being a good mom and wife are all part of what make life worth living. I am sitting in my really wonderful back yard right now watching my two amazing and beautiful children play in the sprinkler. There are toys all over the yard that I will have to pick up and even though Merrill is shivering I am going to have to drag both of them kicking and screaming back inside so that I can finish making dinner.
I think about all of the little moments over the last 18 months of Merrill, 7 years of Jack, 12 years of Mark and all of the times with friends and family, some of whom are no longer here and I am just amazed, baffled, awestruck - I could have missed this ALL! Or I guess, we all would have missed this all. Y'all would have found something else to fill the time. Mark might be married to a photographer who is as excited as he is when he gets a new camera and actually keeps her house clean.
Anyway, I am so grateful that I am here to get to live this life.
Thank you.
(Photo: Self-Timer. Around September of 1998 in our apartment. Yes, we lived in sin.)
Wow. I am teary eyed. Very well written and oh so true!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Leslie, for that special peek into your vulnerable self. We are all so blessed to have you in our lives! I hope you keep blogging because you have a very nice "way" with words. and no, I am not your Grandma but since it was your precious son who helped me set my computer so I could respond to his own blogs, I am Grandma J.
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