Day 25 - Letting Go of What Cannot or Should Not Be

Today I started thinking about things that I will never do.
When you are young there are so many possibilities. The choices are daunting, really. You feel like you are good, or could be good, at everything and the world becomes a dizzying place as no clear cut path is laid out before you. As you get older doors close and you come to realize that there are things you will never do. Mostly, I am fine with all the things that I did not choose to do or be in life. I am comfortable with my choice to drop out of KU and return to Fresno. I am happy that I didn't move to another city and miss meeting Mark. I like the life that I have. And time passes this way and one by one the possibilities drift away. You change and the things that seemed important, exciting, or fun, change too. I have come to realize that I am now a worry wart. I didn't used to be. I'm not sure I can ever be less of one than I am now.
Some things I will never do because I am too scared; some because I'm too lazy. You might argue that some are still technically "possible" and, they might be but, today I reflect on things that I have let go*. I am at peace with them.
Things I will likely never do:
Own a baseball team – I can’t imagine a scenario where this would happen. It would be cool though, and I would not be like the lady from Major League and try to move the team to Miami. Although, I might send a cardboard cutout of myself to the team. Unfortunately, I might have to make it backwards – lose a game peel a sticker off.
Win a shopping spree – A childhood dream. I can remember walking down the aisles of Toys R Us and wanting so desperately to throw everything in my cart. Who wouldn’t love a shopping spree? But, I don’t enter contests anymore so, this is really impossible.
Hike alone in the woods – I love the idea of the peace and solitude that a solo hike would provide but, I am such a scardy cat. What if a bear attacked me? I would be so worried and panicked the entire time that I wouldn’t enjoy my hike.
Skydive – Bungee jumping totally ruined this for me. Now I know how fast you really fall and, while it was certainly adrenaline-inducing, I don’t know that I would enjoy that feeling for an extended period of time. Plus, I’m a mom now and it seems less than ideal to jump out of a plane.
Write a novel – I have neither the skill nor the patience for this but it would be fun anyway.
Direct a movie – Not happenin’. Bummer. This was my big plan when I dropped out of school. Then we got two dogs that needed a yard and decided to stay in town.
Be in a musical – My particular wish was to play Rizzo in Grease but I would take any role really. I think it would be fun to sing and act on stage. I like to think that if I get brave in my old age I could go try for Roger Rocka’s but, I really don’t see me following through with this.
Go deep sea fishing – Again, there is potential here but I am so worried about getting seasick that I am just not sure I can bring myself to do it.
Drink whiskey – I would like to be a girl that is cool and tough and can drink a man’s drink. I’m not. I never will be.
Get a tattoo – I think I missed the window on this one. At 36 there is no statement that I would want to make with a tattoo on my body. I wouldn’t mind some little symbol or something but the only way I could see this happening is if the next thing comes true.
Look like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. Bad ass. – Then I could get a tattoo and freaking go hiking by myself because I could kick a bear’s ass. And I would carry a gun and know how to use it. In fact, this one might be the key to all of the others.
Be a contestant a game show – I would really take any game show at this point. I just want to go on one. But, Wheel of Fortune won’t have me and I’m only smart enough for Teen Jeopardy.
Have a cool accent - It's a jolly oliday with you butt. You know what I mean?
Smoke using a cigarette holder - But, smoking is dangerous and certainly unbecoming no matter how neat the holder looks.
Know the difference between an outfit looking funky or looking stupid – I have never had the ability to distinguish between these two things. I pick a funky sweater and it just looks like a grandma sweater.
Let my hair grow down to my butt (or beyond) – Inspired at an early age by Crystal Gayle, I just think this would be neat. I would feel like Rapunzel.
Swim in an official competition with goggles and a cap – I was always too chicken to sign up for swimming in High School and I have regretted it ever since. You can’t go back in time and change things.
Surf – 1. I am now afraid of Riptides. 2. I am afraid of sharks. 3. I don’t have very good balance. But again, if I looked like Sarah Connor…
Travel with a band – Not as a groupie. Not about sex. I just want to hit the road and follow a band for a summer because it sounds cool. At this point I would either pick The Avett Brothers, Ryan Adams, Greg Brown, or maybe the Dave Matthews Band but, I am sort of getting over them.
Drop out and live on a beach in Mexico – This sounds like a better idea than it actually is, I’m sure.
Find me a cool rider – Well, I won’t be finding any more men and I absolutely wouldn’t want my husband to start riding a motorcycle because they are super dangerous but, it’s sort of a remnant of a dream from teenage years; a result of watching too much Grease 2.
Participating in the World Poker Tour –Because it’s not that complicated of a game and because I think the announcers could give me a cool nickname and persona.
Hitting a home run – God, that must feel nice!
Being able to wear anything in public without a bra and have it look sexy not ugly – Long have I been jealous of girls who can do this. Blah. This is not a weight thing so I’m not sure going full out GI Jane would help me on this one. Only a boob job would fix this and I am not sure if I actually had ten grand that I would spend it on this.
Things I am still holding out hope for:
Ride a horse on the beach – I should be able to do this. Again, a remnant of a childhood dream. Not sure what movie I saw this in but it seems like I have wanted to do this for as long as I can remember.
Write a hit song, or at least a song that gets recorded – This might require me actually sitting down with the guitar or at the piano on a regular basis. Right now I can’t seem to make the time for it.
Wearing my bathing suit in public and not being totally mortified – Potential New Year’s resolution? I would love to take the kids to a water park.


* This is not a bucket list

Day 24 - My Momma

How do I adequately express gratitude for my mom? I am so grateful for her but, to suppose that my words, my little blog, could even begin to encompass what I feel – the notion is ridiculous. I can’t imagine that I will do her justice but, since I sort of need to finish what I started, I am going to try.

So, here are a few things to love and admire about my mom.

She does. Yes, she does. Does what, you may wonder? Whatever she decides. When my mom knows that something should be done, she does it. There are few things that stand in her way. The obstacles that you or I see in front of us seem like child’s play to her. It’s not that the obstacles aren’t really there, it’s just that somehow, with her in charge, they seem to get out of the way. When she’s on a mission that’s what happens.

We moved about once a year when I was a kid. And when my mom would decide that it was time to move she would spend precisely one day looking for a new house or apartment. Boom. Done. And we moved. She does quickly. She does well. This is why she is amazing at her job no matter what her job is!

My mother is strong. And because her strength has been born within me and because she has nurtured that strength within me my whole life, I forget that in reality it is exactly that - her strength. I forget that it is a strength that has its origin outside of me because I use it constantly - every day I live.

My mother radiates energy for those around her. If you know my mother at all you know that there is not a single doubt that if you needed her she would be there. Upon making a connection with my mom you are bound to her – in a good way. She does not know selfishness. It’s amazing and strange but she really doesn’t. She only knows giving. She is just like the Giving Tree… “Take my branches to make a house.” And at the end, when all seems gone except the stump, the tree offers what she can which is still completely what is needed. She never quits giving. And I don’t mean material things, although she gives those too. I mean she gives of herself. What she has, the light, the strength, the knowledge, the intuition, all of those things are yours and mine because she does not hide them. She showers them upon us all!

Anyway, I don’t really know if I’m done or how to wrap this up but I am just beyond fortunate to have been born the daughter of Cindy Barnard. Her love has guided me through my life so far and I count on it to be there for me, always. So thank you Mom. You are amazing.

Day 23 - Sunburn!

Do you know how long it has been since I've had a sunburn? Consider for a moment that a sunburn involves brazenly being outside with little to no care for the heat or the sun's rays and no precaution to avoid such a thing. Being a somewhat responsible mother of two children, this never really happens but, on Wednesday, I got sunburned - lightly - but, sunburned nonetheless!

I had about five hours of free time between getting home from visiting Jack and Merrill at Hume Lake with my mom and a 7:45 pm doctors appointment. Paula was in town and asked me to come swimming at Aunt Itsy's house. I thought this was a fabulous idea and so, I headed over. As we sat by the pool, (previously called "laying out", an activity that used to happen frequently but hasn't happened at all since I turned 28) I began to relax in the peace of having to worry about almost nothing. There were no children to keep from drowning, no diapers that needed changing, nobody to tell, "That's enough TV" to, nobody to worry about picking up from this or that grandparent's house, and nobody waiting for me to come home and clean for or make dinner for. For a few hours I had no responsibility or obligation. Now, I'm not saying that I am sorry that I have any of those things but I seriously could have stayed that way for at least three days.

We swam in the pool which was an oh-so-perfect of a temperature. We had a couple of ciders, ate string cheese, and polished off a GIANT bowl full of grapes. We even got to play our ipad shuffle game. It's sort of like Name That Tune with ipods or ipads. You have to play with someone whose musical taste somewhat overlaps with yours and, even then, it can be a challenge! She skips her Pete Yorn and I skip my Greg Brown, Ryan Adams, and The Avett Brothers. Anytime she says, "this was kind of popular", I am unlikely to get it!

Anyway, it was a lovely day. My doctor's appointment went really well! Mark was there with me just in case! And when I got home at night I noticed my lovely sunburn. It has faded now but I am so glad I got to spend the day with my best friend! I am hoping that the child-free swim day becomes an annual tradition!

Nurse Mama

July 24, 2011

Day twenty-something: Grateful that I was off today so that I could take care of my sweet boy. I would normally be working on a Sunday. Fever of 103 is down for now but we'll be checking in on him while he sleeps.

Day 21 - New Clothes

Scene 1 - Get Over It!
I know, I know, this blog is supposed to be all deep and spiritual where I express gratitude for the really meaningful yet free things in my life. Tough noogies. Today you are reading about a totally materialistic weakness of mine - new clothes.

Scene 2 - How to Stay Frumpy Without Really Trying
A couple of nights ago I went out with a friend to have a few drinks and watch King Sugar (whoo hoo Matt Wall) at Eureka Burger (and whooo hoo my Mom for watching the kids and whoo hoo to Jennifer and Mark for being my drivers!). Anyway, to those of you who saw me that night my outfit was nothing that special and you probably really believed that I had given absolutely no thought to what I was wearing; you would be wrong. I had finally broken down and bought some cargo shorts at Costco that were one size up from what I normally wear. I was happy with the shorts as much of what I wear these days has come from Costco. But the real kicker is that when I had to pick out a top from the selection of "ehh" that is my wardrobe of what currently fits me, I went with my favorite maternity top. That's right folks, 19 months after squeezing that baby girl out I am still wearing maternity tops! What? Now, that one in particular is my favorite but you should know that many of my t-shirts are still maternity wear. Frankly, my pre-baby clothes are way too tight so right now I am relegated to stuff I bought while I was pregnant, hand-me-downs from my sister-in-law, and a smattering of a few tops that I bought last year that I like but can't wear all the time!

Additionally the dress code at Cost Plus is good (solid black, white, grey, or blue tops, and khaki pants or blue jeans) but, it has made it easy to stay frumpy. I work hard so I need to wear clothes I can bend and stretch in. I am on my feet all day so I either need to wear tennis shoes or Easy Spirits. Yes, old grandma Easy Spirits. If you see me on a work day I am more than likely in a black t-shirt and jeans. Or, if I'm mixing it up, I'm in a grey shirt and jeans or a black shirt and khaki's. Needless to say, I have not done much to spruce up the old wardrobe within the confines of my solid color dress code and spending money on clothes that I can't wear to work has just seemed silly.

Scene 2 - GRRRR!
Last week one of my "good pairs" of Ralph Lauren Costco jeans started to split on me. Luckily, I have two of the exact same pant but, they may have some sort of invisible internal clock because even on the pair that is hanging in there, one of the belt loops has broken. This weekend I checked Costco again and they had exactly one type of jeans. It was the Amanda by Gloria Vanderbilt which loosely translates to old lady jeans. Now, I know I am heavier than normal but I'm not dead so, I passed and went for the afore mentioned cargo shorts instead.

Depressed and feeling that I had very limited options, I headed to JC Penny's. After a bit of a search I found two pairs of jeans that fit well. Yes, I went up a size - GRRR! Anyway, with the whole jean situation under control, I opened my eyes to the rest of the store.

Scene 3 - Ahhhhhhh!
I realize I'm not a fashion plate - and I never was exactly - not even when I was a buyer. But, back then I had a grasp on understandable fashion. Walking around Penny's tonight I totally realized that I missed that. It is fantastic to see stuff laid out before you and to be able to understand what's happening and why. Gosh, so much stuff has been going on while I have been in a t-shirt and jeans coma! I went nuts. Well, not nuts but, I spent money like I wasn't trying to save to quit my job. Knit vests, floral tanks, embroidered tops, flyaway cardigans - I couldn't help myself. I recognize that I have been out of it! Not that a trip to Penny's cures all fashion woes and I know I'm not on the cutting edge or anything, but, it was enough to satisfy!

Scene 5 - Why It's Sort of Like Eating Chocolate Kathy Comic Strip Style
I really love how wearing new clothes makes you feel. Even though that outfit will become tomorrow's "ehhh", today it's new and exciting. Today there is nothing you would rather wear. Today you can feel pretty good about what you're wearing, even if you don't feel too good about what's underneath. Sad, right? But true. It's like eating - a quick fix for what is wrong. But, at least it's a fix which is more than I've had in a while.

I sent Mark the total in a text that began with, "I'm sorry for what I'm about to tell you ..." But, in the grand scheme of things I used to spend this much all the time - before and during every market trip - or at Gottschalks less my discount! Now I just get to buy furniture and candy and I'm sorry but it's just not as much fun!

So that's my uber-sad materialistic 4 a.m. post for you. Perhaps I should have followed my own advice when I told Jack it was too late for tea.

P.S. My birthday is coming up and gift cards would be fantastic! ;)

Day 20 - Mark Getting Called Out

I realize I have missed quite a few days - BIG DAYS where a lot of stuff happened. Sorry. Maybe I will get to play catch up sometime. But, as my mother-in-law has informed me, there is a fly lady maxim that advises - I'm not behind; just pick up where I left off.

I had a good, honest laugh today. Mark has been a closet Katy Perry fan for a little while now. This past week one of his "cool" friends decreed on Facebook or Twitter that it was OK to like Katy Perry. Now, having the blessing of someone younger and hipper, Mark decided to play a little Katy Perry for us this morning. I told him I thought he must have a crush on someone or something because there's not much reason to listen to Teenage Dream otherwise. It's certainly not the worst thing I've heard and Merrill seemed to enjoy it as Mark took her for a dancing spin around the house.

Later today we had to go get Jack's haircut. I was impressed with myself because I actually remembered to take a coupon somewhere and use it! So, with coupon in hand we headed to Supercuts. We went to the one at First and Nees because the people at Shaw and Maroa seem to be grumpy all of the time. It was fairly deserted and because we had called ahead we got right in. There was one man waiting and one more showed up while Jack's hair was being cut. The first man was not interested in us at all and seemed a little irritated, undoubtedly due to the fact that we seemed to skip past his turn. The second man was a little friendly and said hi to Merrill before beginning to play with his phone. About halfway through the haircut California Gurls comes on and Jack announces loudly, "Urgh! Katy Perry. My Dad's been listening to this all morning!"

I just about died. The two guys both looked up and the friendlier one laughed. The hairdresser laughed too and asked Jack, "You don't like Katy Perry?". His response was a definite, "No."

Anyway, I thought it was hilarious. I realize that it's not exactly the music that Mark probably likes but, it's not like he's watching the video. He must be having a little movie in his mind. And now that you know about his recent change in musical taste, you can give Mark a hard time too!

Day 19 - Another Close Call

I have been employed by Cost Plus World Market since October. In that time I have had three accidents while on the job.

The first was somewhat minor. I sprained a wrist when the weight of a dining table in a box shifted in a way that I wasn't ready for. I wore a splint for a few weeks, felt better, re-injured it, wore the splint again, and then was fine.

The second accident was much more scary. I was up waaay high on a slide ladder in the stockroom. When I fell I landed on my side, injuring my knee. I had x-rays, crutches, restricted duty, physical therapy - the whole nine yards. But the crazy part about that was that had the stockroom been in its usual packed state or had the pallet jack been scooted over say, six inches, things could have ended VERY BADLY! Very badly.

So, then my boss was fired (also long story where somehow I was the scapegoat for the whole situation which is sort of crazy), anyway, I, being insane and forgetting myself for a moment, interviewed for the job. Yes, I have 15 years of retail experience. Yes, most of that time I was managing people and millions of dollars but, apparently, this did not really matter much. I am actually fine with the end result which was not getting the job; in hindsight, being the assistant manager would have totally sucked. I was on the fence about it anyway. But the point of that story is that in lieu of a promotion I just got "additional responsibility". I was crowned the Safety Captain. I, who had both injured her wrist and fallen off of a ladder in the 4 or 5 months that I had been there, was made the Safety Captain.

As the Safety Captain, I am supposed to talk to people about each month's safety topic and have them sign off on a sheet that we send into corporate so everyone can act like we are all doing the right thing. The topics have been: stretching before work, using safe cutting techniques, and using Big Joe (the forklift thing) properly.

So, fast forward to yesterday. My bosses have been a little anal about cutting wine boxes perfectly straight and I've really been concentrating on trying to do this. But, alas, there are certain things I am good at and certain things I am not and cutting a straight line on a wine case with a safety razor blade is one of the things that I totally suck at.

Yesterday, I was in the wine department putting out a new wine and cutting the top off of the box. It was a Spanish wine and I totally forgot that Spanish wines tend to come in cheap and easy to cut boxes. I was cutting the top off the box when, it turned to butter. My knife sliced through and whoosh, it hit my left wrist. Blood came instantly. I began to freak. I thought that I was headed to the ER. What? Suicide by wine box? Maybe people have contemplated it but, that's not the way I want to go out! But, after a minute there wasn't as much blood as there initially seemed to be. So, after having washed it off and bandaging it up, I went back to work. I worried that I might have MRSA and go into a coma. I worried that half of my body might have to be chopped off like the episode of Oprah where a chef accidentally cut herself with a knife at her restaurant and ended up with half of her face missing among other things. You can imagine my relief when I actually woke up this morning to find that I was not in a coma and that no amputations were necessary.

I am totally thankful that I didn't catch my wrist just a little harder. I am grateful that there is a little extra fat on me right now that kept the blade from slicing any deeper. What a crazy insane accident that could have been so much worse.

There is a quote from the Baz Luhrman Sunscreen song that has sort of stuck with me over the years,

"What ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either -
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's"

It's not that cutting my wrist at work was necessarily a choice (insert existentialist argument here) - obviously not. But the point is, things can always go a different way. Yesterday was probably 1 millimeter away from being a hideously bad day but, it wasn't. It was a normal day and that is good.

P.S. love this song. Played it for the seniors during my student teaching at Central and they liked it too.